To stop myself from becoming lazy, I take note of every barb and shot ever thrown my way.
I remember random things my teachers said, random things members of my extended family have said and even random things from people on the streets. Yes, yes I am in therapy, why do you ask?
I even take notes on things artists say in songs. I take them way too personally.
Oh I’ll never be royal, Lorde?
Screw you, Lorde. I’ll be royal someday.
But until then I’m going to sit on the current occupant of the Melbourne burger throne: Royal Stacks.
From the geniuses behind burger powerhouse Easey’s AND Grand Trailer Park Taverna comes Royal Stacks. It’s an homage to my favourite burger chain in the world (Shake Shack) with a menu boasting fries, concrete (custard and ice cream), shakes, 8 beef burger variations and a single vegetarian option for rabbits that sneak in through the back door.
Let’s meet the burgers residing in this kingdom:
I was betting on the quality of this establishment and immediately doubled down on the double stack.
My gambling instincts paid off as this burger immediately paid tasty, tasty dividends. The oozy cheese spread across the awesome patties (which are minced fresh daily) resulted in a match made in Heaven. I haven’t taken the patty into the lab yet but I suspect it’s a blend of chuck, brisket and crack cocaine because I decided to order another burger straight away.
Oh you think I’m joking? Nope.
Your majesty is in the building.
I honestly don’t think my photos do it justice. Let me try that again:
If this burger astacked me in an alley, I’d just let it have my wallet, phone and iPod, no questions asked. It’s already given me so much joy that I’m ok with sacrificing all my material goods to it.
Imagine the delicious nature of the double stack except you sub one patty and stick a deep fried croquette in its place filled with the cheesiest macaroni imaginable. It added a nice gooey and crunchy texture to a burger I had already deemed as close to perfect as possible.
I was in Melbourne for business (Ok, I wasn’t. I was in Melbourne to eat, hang out and play Blackjack) which is something this burger and I had in common because it was the f*cking business.
You know what? Let’s be like DJ Khaled and get another one:
Am I bacon you jealous?
This is the most American object I’ve ever had the pleasure of holding onto and I’ve held hands with a racist cowboy in Texas (but more on that another time).
It was just stuffed with cheese, mustard, pickles and more bacon than I’ve ever had in a single meal. Just being in its presence was bacon me fat and salivating profusely. The bacon was cooked super crispy just like in the US and had me humming “Born in the USA” incredibly loudly.
Just another reason Royal Stacks is going to be pork of the town sooner than later.
Not only did Royal Stacks attempt to duplicate Shake Shack, but they took a swing at recreating another one of America’s finest: Umami’s signature truffle burger.
Only thing is, they did it even better than Umami.
Oh wow, I said it.
I’ll say something else too.
I’m pretty sure this is my favourite burger in Australia.
You’re probably thinking: “Come on, iFat. You were on vacation, you clearly had holiday goggles on.”
Yeah, I thought that too so I went back the next day and had it again.
I’m absolutely sure that this is the best burger I’ve had in Australia.
By now, you should know the patties that Royal Stacks produces are of an A+ quality so I’m not going to delve into that. I’ve got to talk about the truffle mayo, it’s incredibly rich, satisfying and is just gorgeous. I could buy a bottle, squeeze it out on any one of my ghastly kitchen creations and it’d be the greatest thing any of my dinner guests would’ve tried.
I will never ever have e-truff of this delicious burger and all I can do now is hope and pray that the burger Gods grant me a Sydney franchise.
Here’s the TL;DR for everyone still shaking their heads at how big of a stretch my Lorde reference was in my introduction:
– Don’t sell Royal Stacks short as a Shake Shack impersonator, they’re an awesome franchise and can hold their heads high.
– Which burger was my favourite? Miss Elizabeth followed by the double stack then the king and the bacon bacon last. Any burger establishment where the bacon bacon is last on a list means they’ve got some heavy hitters on the menu.
– Hey Royal Stacks owners, if you’re reading this, please bring this to Sydney. I’ll be there opening day…Ok, that’s a lie. I’ll be there the night before opening day in a little tent like those dudes who line up for iPhones.
Royal Stacks, Melbourne CBD
470 Collins Street
Monday – Wednesday: 11:30am to 10:00pm
Thursday – Saturday: 11:30am to 10:30pm
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